Dealing with the Mommy Mafia
Have you ever been asked “Do you have kids?” even before someone asks your name? It was likely a member of the Mommy Mafia. I define the Mommy Mafia as that group of moms who think YOU can’t hold a conversation because you’re not a mom, when in fact it’s them who’s only topic of conversation are their kids. It’s so sad to see women reduced to only one tropic. By the way, you should never ask someone you’ve us met if they have kids, unless you’re at a PTA meeting. It’s such a lazy question. Later in this episode, I’ll give you suggestions of other questions that are more appropriate when meeting someone. Do you have kids or whey are you having kids are two of the worse questions you can ask someone you don’t know; many because there is a difference between being childfree and childless. Being child free is a choice, being childless is not. When you ask a childfree person if they have kids, they usually have a snarky comment because they are used to responding to ignorance. When you ask a childless person if hey have kids, you are opening up a wound of hurt and disappointment. I’ve had to stand by while friend who had recently had. Miscarriage fake smiled her way through a non-answer of not yet while the questioner says, oh don’t wait too long. Ugh, I wanted to punch her in the face. You don’t know why someone Deons’t have kids so unless hey bring it up, you shouldn’t ask. People with children hardly ever bring up the topic of children.
The following statistics represent women between the ages of 15-49.
Turns out according to the Centers for Disease Control 13.1% of women have impaired fertility; including 16.2% of married women, 8.8% of married women are infertile. That means when you ask a woman do you have kids, there’s a good chance the person you’re speaking to may be dealing with infertility issues.
In 2002, 6.2% of women were voluntarily childless, between 2010 and 2015, that number increased to 7.4%. Using the same data from 2010-2015, nearly half of women (45.1%) are childless (including those who are temporarily childless, meaning they want to have children in the future but have not taking potential infertility into consideration). Again, when you ask someone if they have kids, there’s a high probability they don’t, you know, unless you’re at that PTA meeting.
I live in the suburbs, where the Mommy Mafia is everywhere. I’ve had moms walk away from a conversation as soon as I say I don’t have kids, like mid-sentence. My husband and I have been asked why we bough a house if we weren’t going to have kids. I don’t remember seeing “you will be denied if you don’t have children” disclaimer on the mortgage application.
There is also a Daddy Mafia, I don’t have too much interaction with them because they typically seek out other dads to suffer with. After I told one I didn’t have kids, he says “Well, you picked a great neighborhood”. I’m still looking for the signage around my town that says “Must have kids to live here”, it must be in small letters on the banners that say “Everybody Belongs Here.”
It can be difficult not to question your choices, especially when society doesn’t support you. You are more than your uterus - you are an amazing person, loyal friend, supportive sister, savvy aunt, incredible coworker, exceptional manager, outstanding wife, phenomenal girlfriend, the list goes on and on. When people try to make your feel bad for not having children, sometimes you have to school them. Let them know that your choices are just as valid as theirs. A little sarcasm doesn’t hurt either. Later I’ll give you some quick comebacks to some of those invasive questions about kids. What would happen if when a member of the Mommy Mafia starts talking about this kids, you just walk away. You know I think I’m going to do that the next time I’m at a neighborhood get together.
Don’t get me wrong, not all parents are members of the Mommy and Daddy Mafia, there are plenty of moms and dads out there who are supportive of those of us who choose not to have kids. Shout out to those parents, thanks for being an ally!
Other questions you can ask besides “Do you have kids?”
What’s your favorite cuisine/restaurant?
Have you seen (insert latest blockbuster movie)?
Where did you go on your last vacation?
Are you getting the new (iPhone, Android, hot gadget)?
You’ll find there’s something more substantive to talk about besides kids.
Here are some answers you can use to respond to commonly asked kid questions:
Do you have kids?
No, I’m allergic
No, I like (insert activity, favorite food, guilty pleasure) too much
No, I like going to the bathroom alone
Yes, they’re invisible
When are you going to have kids?
When you can braid your leg hair (this is a personal favorite)
When they come with a return policy
When you hand over the cash to take care of them for 18 years
When I sell all my nice breakable things
Be prepared for the appalled looks you are definitely going to receive. Just remember you were instrumental in their teaching moment saving the next DINK and SINK from their stupidity and ignorance.
What are your best tactics for dealing with the Mommy and Daddy Mafia, comment below or let me know on Instagram and Facebook.