Episode 48: Dear Abby, My Adult Children Never Call or Visit Me

Someone wrote to Dear Abby about their adult children never calling or visiting them.  Isn’t this the narrative parents push onto us childfree people, who’s going to take care of you when you’re old.

Here’s the letter:

Dear Abby, I am an active widower with five children.  Although three of them live in the same city and two live in a city nearby. I haven’t heard from or seen them as often over the past few years as I would like. I realized recently that I miss their company and I’d like them to call or see me more often.

I understand they have the own lives, but I don’t think I’m asking too much.  I’d like them to understand that a “pill” won’t cure me of loneliness, as they suggest when I tell them I am slowing down.  Their answer is to tell me to see a doctor.

I can’t talk to them about increasing our visits and communication because I was raised with the idea the you automatically respect your elders and parents shouldn’t have to ask their children to visit them or call to ask how they are doing more than every few months.  I thought perhaps reading this in your column might remind them not to wait until it’s too late.  Have you any suggestions on how to encourage my children to involve me more in their lives.  - Lonely in Colorado

Here is Abby’s response:

You don’t have a communication problem.  Your children have gotten the message. Rid yourself of the idea that your children should call you out of obligation.  If you want more contact, pick up the phone and call them.  Also you should be socializing with contemporaries.  Your problem may be too much time on your hands.  If you are able bodied, fill some of that time by volunteering in your community.  It’s a terrific way to meet people who may be more than willing to include you in their activities. - Signed Abby

Here’s my take:

This woman is from a different generation where clearly she bought into that idea. Now look not one or two but all five of her children have decided that spending time with their aging mother doesn’t fit into their lifestyle.  In the letter she says she’s a widower, I wonder if they visited more when her husband was alive?  Family relationships are as important as you want to make them.  Maybe her children view the relationship differently from how the mom remembers it.  Maybe they never bought her the “Greatest Mom Ever” t-shirt and mug.

I like Abby’s advice to get out there and do something!  Interact with people and show her kids that she’s not a frog on a log waiting for them to swim by.  Show them that she’s busy and will have to fit them into her schedule.

When you are childfree and you know there’s no one “waiting in the wings” to take care of you, you approach retirement and getting older differently. Many older people (married, single and widowed) that I know who are childfree lead very active lifestyles, including travel, friend get togethers, social events, etc. Very few are lonely for companionship or social interaction.  However some of the older people I know with children are so invested in their children and grandchildren’s lives that when there’s something that doesn’t include them, they are guilt tripping them or singing this lonely tune.

Let’s give the kids the benefit of the doubt.  Some of the reasons the writer’s adult children might not be calling or visiting could be:

• they have young children and it requires a lot to get them together for a visit or phone calls tend to be short due to the chaos at home.

• The extracurricular actives of the family don’t allow for much extra time to call or visit.

• They’re just choosing not to include their mother in their lifestyle

I’m sure this mom is a card carrying member of the guilt police.  Shaming them every time they call or visit about them never calling or visiting.  Listen, no one wants to hear that.  And since it seems like she doesn’t have much interaction with others, she doesn’t have much to talk about so these calls and visits so they are likely boring and uninteresting.

I agree with Abby, Mom, get a life and stop pouring into your children, your job as mommy manager/nagger is done.  There are so many things you can do.  Find activities that interest you and invest in yourself.  Show your kids that their mom is a worth calling and visiting to hear about your latest adventure, class or lunch at restaurant downtown.

It’s important for childfree people to build a chosen family of support.  Making friends when you’re older is not easy, but then again, after the 2nd grade when is making friends easy?  If you are doing activities that you enjoy, you will meet like minded individuals and those relationships will develop organically.  Kinda similar to the mommy mafia.  No one is going to knock on your door asking if you need a friend. Additionally, you should never take for granted that you’re active, there are plenty of inactive older people who wish they could get out and meet people.  Take advantage of your ability to stroll the neighborhood where you live.  You can research senior centers, active senior living spaces, etc.  This advice is not only for older adults, those who are younger and childfree, get out there and take a pottery, kickboxing, cooking class, whatever floats your boat.  Building these relationships when sustain you through those times you are feeling lonely.

Just because you have children, it doesn’t mean they will come visit you when you get older and they shouldn’t feel obligated just because you birthed them.  The writer makes mention that you automatically respect your elders.  Well, these kids clearly don’t have the autopay button turned on.  And didn’t she raise these children, where did she go wrong?

Everyone should be out there living a fulfilled life, that’s parents and childfree people alike.  Some parents who invest so much into their children, leave nothing for themselves, so when there’s no longer a need for daily management and check ins, the parents are left feeling lonely and unwanted like this writer. To my childfree family, I know you won’t let this happen to you! We as a community are out there living life.  My husband and I have met many childfree adults while on vacation who live amazing instagram worthy lives.  They’re not worrying about who is going to visit them because they are visiting the world.

If you are an adult child with an older parent who complains about you not calling or visiting or the fact you haven’t given them a grandchild, encourage them to “get a life”. Find activities they can engage in and connect with others so the burden is not on you to entertain them.  One thing we learn from this letter, having children doesn’t guarantee they will take care of you when you’re old.  Sometimes they leave you to fend for yourself.

What are your thoughts on this Dear Abby letter? What advice do you have for Lonely in Colorado?