Book Review: Childfree by Choice: The Movement Redefining Family and Creating a New Age of Independence
Thank you Dr. Blackstone for writing a book backed by data to defend (and I hate to use that word) the child free choice.
Her book was born from her blog with her husband: We’re Not Having Kids.
Dr. Blackstone runs the gamut on being childfree from pronatalism to eugenics to economics to disparities in the medical industry.
Specifically when it comes to eugenics, she talks about who should have children. During the eugenics movement of the early part of the 20th century, white babies were the only babies who could achieve greatness. This has lead to disproportionate sterilization and medical trial use of birth control of minorities, specifically, black and brown people.
My husband and I have heard this before, that we should have children because we’re smart people and the world needs more smart people. Apparently people with higher IQs are less likely to have children.
She references The Baby Trap by Ellen Peck published in 1971. Very controversial at the time of publication and of course, controversial now.
There is also a counter, What to Expect When No One is Expecting by Jonathan Last… providing an argument that the US can’t stay on top if women stop having children.
Dr. Blackstone and I have had similar experiences when we tell people we’re childfree, as I’m sure many of you have have. Like people walking away from conversations when you say not only that you don’t have children, but that you don’t want children and doctors who push for procreation and deny permanent birth control.
The motherhood mandate meaning women will eventually be mothers is very prevalent in society. Womanhood equals Motherhood. Women are marketing to as if we are already mothers. I have a question, why are there no pregnancy test commercials where the women are happy they’re not pregnant? I know plenty of women who have been overjoyed with a negative pregnancy test. Madison Avenue tells us we can’t experience the really meaning of life without children.
For all of you DINKs and SINKs who think you are supposed to have a maternal instinct, you’re fine. There’s no such thing. If there were, there wouldn’t be any need for birth control or the joy of a negative pregnancy test. Instead it’s maternal socialization. We are socialized to be mothers from a young age from playing with dolls to babysitting, which is why when you go against the grain, you’re looked at as strange. It’s like we’ve been feeding you oatmeal for decades, how can you not like oatmeal? Dr. Blackstone says if we were socialized at the same rate to be engineers, the vast majority of us would be engineers.
The argument that you are not a real woman, when in fact you are a real woman no matter what you choices are. Being a real woman is defined by however you define it.
Childfree men vs childfree women. Childfree men are not pitied or shamed, instead they’re viewed as having dodged that bullet and their parental peers are jealous rather than judgmental. My womanhood is questioned yet my husbands manhood is not.
Voluntary vasectomy is considered and act of rebellion, heroic and impressive. Woman asking for permanent birth control is shamed. Are you sure? Have to asked your spouse, your partner, your parents? Really, your parents!! Or you have to watch a film before you make this decision. It’s like the scared straight version of motherhood.
Turns out marital satisfaction declines after you have children. To all the DINKs, you’re keeping our marriages on10 by not having kids. Cheers to you!
Now that brings us to family - In episode 4, I talked about what is a family? Dr. Blackstone supports everything I said in that episode. You know the saying it takes a village to raise a child, it also takes a village to be childfree. You need the people and pets around you. Speaking of pets, Dr. Blackstone recalls a story about wanting to get a dog and “they” said - given you and your husband’s schedule, wouldn’t it be selfish since you travel too often to take care of the pet. Won’t you regret getting a dog when you realize it doesn’t fit into your lifestyle. Not one of these questions are asked when you say you’re thinking about having a baby. Additionally, when couples split who get the pet? One party can say well this is your dog, I don’t want it. Or there may need to be a “custody” agreement to share the pet. When it comes to kids, that I don’t want it is not an option.
Being childfree also doesn’t mean you hate kids. Well I kinda hate them… especially the ones I don’t know when I’m out in pubic. The ones I do know are alright but some of them are on my do not like list. Kids like me, it’s so weird. People tell me it’s because I don’t talk to them like they’re kids and I’m not impressed when they do normal things. Childfree uncles are mentors and friends while childfree aunts are teachers, role models and savvy peers. I am a great aunt, my nieces and nephew think I’m amazing. I’m a crappy godmother, my godchildren think I’m the worst. I talk about that in episode 4 as well.
Dr. Blackstone talks about LGBTQ DINKs and SINKs and heteronormalization. When same sex couples have children, some are judged as trying to live heterosexually. Whoa, I can’t wait to live in a world when your choices are respected, no matter what they are.
The question DINKs and SiNKs get all the time is who is going to take care of you when you get old? Dr. Blackstone talks about the increase of Golden Girls type living arrangements and mixed aged properties where younger people live in the same building as older people and everyone takes care of each other. Turns out childfree seniors are happy not lonely. I guess it could get lonely if your good for nothing kids never visit… you don’t miss what you don’t have.
Lots of people take about the tax deductions and credits afforded families with children, what we don’t talk about are the taxes non children beneficiaries pay in inheritance tax. Yet another hit at the childfree. You should look into that if you are estate planning or if you’ll be given an inheritance from a childfree friend or family member.
In the final analysis, childfree is not a choice about kids, it’s a choice about the life you want to live - amen to that!
I would definitely recommend this book, if you’re on the fence about your choice or have intrusive in laws, mommy mafia friends or you just want the data to back up why you’ve made the best choice for you!