Episode 45: Is Extended Babysitting a Dealbreaker?

Welcome back, listeners! It's been a while since I last recorded an episode, but I’m back and ready to dive into a new season of Mom of None, the Not for Parents Podcast.  Yep, that’s right, I’m going to break the podcast up into seasons.  Let’s just say the first 44 episodes were Season 1.

For those of you who have been with me from the beginning, I want to thank you for your continued support and for sticking with me through my hiatus.  Especially those who have called me out for not recording new content, you know who you are and I’m grateful for the push!  For those of you who are new to the show, I’m so glad you're here!

I took some time off to refocus the podcast (again) and recharge my batteries, but now I’m excited to get back into the swing of things. I’ve been trying to figure out how best to serve y’all and have come up with a plan.  I’m hopeful it will stick this time. I also have an ask for you the listener at the end of this episode.  I have a lot of great content planned for this second season, and I can't wait to share it with you.

So, grab your headphones and join me as we dive into a brand new season of Mom of None, the Not for Parents Podcast.  Let's get started!

On today’s episode, what would you do if your spouse threatened divorce because you agreed to babysit a young family member?  What are your dealbreakers regarding children?  I’m sure if you are in a childfree relationship, you have discussed the reasons you’ve decided not to have children, but are there any situations where this decision is tested.

There was a post on Am I The Asshole thread on Reddit about a man who threatened to divorce his wife because she agreed to babysit her 3 year old niece for a week and a half while her sister was recovering from surgery.  For demographic purposes, both spouses are in their mid twenties.

The husband thinks that babysitting the wife’s niece will change her mind about having children, while the wife sees it as a temporary situation and helping her sister in need.  The husband is not here for it. He said he would divorce her if she even suggests she’s changed her mind and wants to have children.

Being childfree is a deeply held belief for some people.  Speaking for myself, I’ve been very vocal about my lack of desire to have children.  Clearly, the husband in this situation is as well. While his wife has agreed not to have children, she doesn’t see babysitting her niece while her sister recovers as going against their agreement.

Communication is key in this instance.  But I have questions! Did the wife just agree to babysit without discussing it with her husband? What was the husband’s views about babysitting prior to this situation.  Was he ok with taking the niece out for an afternoon, but not keeping her overnight? Did they talk about his concerns with a possible extended stay? A week and half is long time with a 3 year old, when you’re used to lounging around in your undies with only your wife in the house.  Should there be a compromise since this is an extenuating circumstance, I mean the sister is recovering from surgery.  What if her recovery is longer, how long is too long to babysit?

Let’s talk about the responsibilities and expectations that come with babysitting.  Keep in mind, this child is 3.  What are the terms of the babysitting arrangement.  Who will be responsible for the care of the child? Will this primarily fall on the wife and the husband won’t have any parts of it.  Will her sister provide any financial support during this time.  Like if the kid only ate mashed white potatoes for dinner, but the husband only liked sweet potatoes; would her sister provide a sack of russets to keep her child happy? These are things you need to know!

The husband expressed concern about the wife changing her mind and deciding she now wanted to have kids.  I feel like you have to know the person you marrying.  Maybe the wife has strong feelings about not having children and there’s nothing to worry about.  Threatening divorce is extreme in this case unless she has been exhibiting behavior that would make him believe this babysitting gig would push her over the line to “let’s have a baby” mode.  It’s more likely this experience would reinforce her choice not to have kids.  3 year olds are needy and require a lot of work and attention. Do you think maybe the husband is afraid he may change his mind? Hmmmm….

Could the tension be caused by both spouses having demanding careers or have made lifestyle choices that would prohibit them from taking care of the child.  What if they had travel planned or a hard to get reservation at a restaurant that wasn’t child friendly.  Would babysitting the niece cancel or delay events already on their schedule? If I had a reservation at Carbone in NYC and had to cancel to babysit, I’d be big mad.

Again, this is a temporary situation, and the husband should reconsider threatening to divorce his wife.  They could learn from this and decide going forward they will talk about any decisions that would cause a major disruption to their current lifestyle.  The wife’s sister should also consider when deciding guardianship if something were to happen to her and she was unable to take care of her child.  Would they be the couple she’d choose for the long term care of her child.  If the sister is listening, I don’t think they should make it on the short list of candidates.

Now, if they can’t come to a compromise, there may be additional underlying issues in their relationship that will require counseling or some other third party intervention.  It would be beneficial to resolve issues like this before they become bigger problems within the relationship, leading to divorce, for real.

Divorce is not something that should be taken lightly.  I don’t think anyone goes into a marriage thinking about divorce. Personally, I think divorce is the last resort when all other options and avenues have been exhausted.  This is why it is important to get to know your partner and discuss dealbreakers within the relationship prior to getting married.  And whether there is any room for compromise to avoid violating these agreements.

Basically, I think the husband is being unreasonable by threatening divorce.  Clear communication about their respective roles and responsibilities will help set the expectations of who is doing what. Agreeing to discuss major decisions before committing to them is a better way of dealing with this. You really have to decide if this is a deal breaker and if ending the relationship is warranted.

What do you think about this situation?  Is extended babysitting a dealbreaker in your childfree relationship? Here is my ask of you the listener; some of you have asked what do I need to keep the podcast going?  FEEDBACK!  Drop a comment below!