Let’s Talk about Regret and the Power of Changing Your Mind
Do you have kids?
No, I’ve decided not to have kids.
Won’t you regret it?
Do you have kids?
No, I don’t have any kids.
Don’t you regret it?
What is the right answer to this question?
Is there a wrong answer to this question?
Defining regret is different for everyone. I don’t have the same view as most people. There are things in my life that have not gone the way I wanted. There are choices I’ve made that I thought were good at the time, that in retrospect, were not. And with better information, I should have made a different choice. But in making those what I perceived as bad choices have led me to where I am today. If I had made a different choice, I would be in a different place, may be better, may be worse. I don’t know, but I do know where I am right now is exactly where I’m supposed to be. I’m content with where I am. As I’ve gotten older I take the choices that I make more seriously, thinking about the long term vs the short term. When I was in my 20s and I had a choice between go out with my friends or pay my credit card bill, I grabbed my credit card and went out, and thought about the bill later. Now that I’m in my 40s, I pay my credit card bill first, then decide if I can afford to go out with my friends because good credit aka the long term is more important to me now.
When I made the decision not to have children, I was in my late 20s, early 30s. I remember one summer I went to seven baby showers. Married couples, unmarried couples and singles. I spent hundreds of dollars on gifts, I don’t remember what I gave but I do remember thinking wow this is expensive. Cost was a factor in my decision not to have children, but it wasn’t the only one. I was also in various relationships that weren’t long lasting and I knew I didn’t want to be tied to any of these people forever. You are parents forever, it doesn’t turn off when they turn 18 although child support does. I look back and am thankful because if one (or more, real talk) were still around my life would be very different from what it is now. I met my husband in my mid 30s. We talked about having kids and I had already decided I didn’t want to be a mother and was honest with him. At first, I’m sure he thought what kind of woman is this, who doesn’t want to have kids. After dating and a couple of years of marriage, we “officially” decided not to have kids. To be honest, we never tried to conceive; but what if he wanted to have kids? Would I have changed my mind; I was already “advanced in age” - the medical term for women over 30. If I had decided to have kids, it would have been my choice. A decision made with the information I had at the time. Do I regret not changing my mind? No, because I love the life I live now. I don’t see families with children and have what if thoughts. Mostly, I’m thinking man you look stressed. During the pandemic, friends with kids of all ages were not happy with schools being closed and going virtual. Many learned the teachers were right when they said their kid was disruptive to the class and a lot to handle. Besides, my husband likes to sleep, he would not be able to get the hours of shut eye he enjoys now if we had kids. We have activities that are not suitable for children, that require both of us to out at the same time. If we had kids, we’d have to have an entire budget just for babysitting services. 14 years later, 11 of them married, I truly believe we made the right decision.
The power of changing
your mind:
What if I decided now that I’m in my mid 40s to have children? Naturally, with medical intervention or adoption.
Would you turn on me? Call me a traitor? A fake?
To all my listeners, before you unsubscribe, no I have not changed my mind. However, I want you to know that if you decided you no longer want to be childfree for whatever reason, I support you. You have the power to change your mind, it’s your choice! I would never judge you for making the decision that is right for you with the information you have. Here’s an example of changing your mind, Jeannie Mai, one of the cohosts of the talk show “The Real”changed her mind and she’s received some backlash for it. For years and throughout her first marriage she consistently said she didn’t want to have children. Her ex husband eluded to this as one of the reasons they divorced. She remarried in March of 2021 and the announced her pregnancy a few months later. Some of us in the childfree community were like WHAT! She’s a traitor, a childfree faker, she must have done it for her man? While we will never know the reasons she made this decision, Mom of None wants to send congratulations to her on the birth of her daughter Monaco Mai Jenkins. The power of changing your mind! You can change your mind about what you want to eat for dinner, what you wear, your career and even if you want to have children but remember it is very hard to change your mind back once the kids are here…. There is no return policy.
If you’re childfree by choice, I support you! If you’ve changed your mind and want kids, I support you and I hope you keep listening! This is about the life you want to build for yourself with or without kids.